My seemingly loving boyfriend has gone ice-cold and barely talks to me since it was confirmed that I am pregant. I am 40 and have no previous children. I desperately want this baby, but I am not sure I can afford to keep it. Lots of debt, no savings, a new, non-flexible mortgage, a job due to relocated outside London just as I start maternity leave...Not that ex-lover would be in a position to contribute at the moment, anyway, as none of his projects have started yielding yet, but I think a little support would have gone a long way. I feel alone, scared witless and miserable, humiliated and depressed. Any words of wisdom out there...?
Hi Toyin. I couldn't read your message and not reply.
I know it all seems terrible at the moment, but might there be a chance that this is an initial reaction? How long ago did you tell your partner? I know it's very common for men in all kinds of relationships to become very scared when they find out that they are going to be a parent, particularly if they hadn't planned a child but also often when they have. There could also be some other reason why he feels uncomfortable with the idea, it's not necessarily a reflection on your relationship.
I'm sure you've tried to talk to him about it, but maybe you could try again. It's not nice to think of, but he might be hoping that his reaction will scare you off the idea of the baby and will leave you assuming all responsibility for the most difficult decision of our life, which isn't fair at all.
His attitude may change with time, and it may change when it becomes clear that you want the baby and are determined to have it.
I would say that if you do desperately want this baby then have it. I'd say that at any age, but particularly at 40. Few people are ever sure that they can afford a baby before they have one, but somehow they make things happen, by going without some of life's luxuries themselves or naturally when they find that life post-baby is more quiet.
A baby will make you take your debt in hand, get it restructured, start planning for the future. Just think, if a young girl of 16 or 17 with no formal training can bring up a baby, then a woman of 40 is at a comparatively big advantage, with career already in hand, a flat or house and so on. You might not have the same family help, but you can call in help from friends.
In terms of the dad's contribution, at some point he will have no choice but to face his responsibilities as father and contribute, financially at the very least. Of course it would be far preferable if he saw this himself and started to contribute both financially and emotionally. Which he may well do, given a little time.
If the worst happens and you are to be a single parent, there are some helpful support links <a href='http://www.ability.org.uk/single_mothers.html'>here.
But that may not yet happen. In any case, you will never be alone. You can include friends in your pregnancy, or family, and there's always this forum for help, advice, or just a bit of support when you feel like a whinge. Welcome to the club!
I am desperately hoping it is an initial response, though my optimism on that score is fading with each subsequent conversation we have - I use the word 'conversation', but I really mean each of his rants I listen to. I am going to see him at the end of the month (he lives outside the UK) to try one final time and I'm hoping we'll be able to have a rational two-way conversation for once. Fingers crossed and all that.
He is hoping I'll get rid of it, I think. I might, but only if there are strong indications that the baby might be abnormal in some way. Otherwise, I do so want to have this baby, even though the financial outlook is extremely bleak. I think I might have been better off being a Council tenant than a mortgage-holder! Never thought being in a Council flat could appear an attractive option!
I am trying desperately not to drown in depression. My friends have labelled me mad as well as foolish, but I still love this guy...
That's terrible Toyin, I can't imagine how upset and angry you must be feeling right now. Does the abroad complication mean that you've been talking on the phone about it rather than face-to-face? If so I imagine that makes things a lot harder.
I agree with Anna, the financial outlook may not look good, but it doesn't for most new parents, though it's obviously a lot harder if you're going it alone. It's never a good or easy time to have a baby, it's just a matter of degrees of how hard! But all the parents I know have said that it's also incredibly rewarding and that they wouldn't be without their children for the world.
I'm sure that once you look into it you'll find that there is plenty of support that you can call on as a single mum and as Anna says, this forum is a good place to start for that. We never tire about talking things babies! Do your friends know that you're pregnant? Are there a couple of close reliable friends that could help you through the pregnancy?
You also have maternity rights re: work. As soon as you've decided you're going to keep the baby I'd talk to them about how they might be able to arrange things to suit you best. You might be surprised.
A very depressing visit to Citizen's Advice Bureau yesterday. The summary of it all was that I could expect no assistance at all, no access to any kind of allowances and no bright ideas on how to pay mortgae and other direct debits of about £1,200 p/m on £424 statuory maternity pay. Lost the will to live almost...Later spoke (long distance)to one of my old friends and she was very supportive (though too far away for anything other than moral support). Has more or less convinced me that with faith in God, I can survive nad this may be last chance saloon for a baby, what with the increasing presence of fibroids and all. Thanks to you all for the encouraging words. I need all the positive thoughts I can get!
Like the others having read your message I couldn't not reply. I know the Citizen's advise visit didn't sound good but don't give up. Have you looked into your Company's maternity policy? Some employers can be quite good, I know mine was I got 18 weeks at full pay before I went onto SMP. I know not all employers are this good and it does depend on length of service etc, but even as a Manager I didn't know what I was entitled too until I needed it.
Also Family tax credit and working tax credit should help you when the baby is born - even with mine and my husbands salary we still qualifed for a small amount of family tax credit. As a single parent (if it comes to that) you should qualify for both.
Don't be bullied into a decision you don't want to make, do what ever you want to. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that it all works out for you. Take care, Amanda xx
I'm almost 95% certain that I'm carrying this child to term unless some really horrid condition is detected. Hopefully, none will. Only one of my friends is still strongly advocating termination as the optimum solution. Company policy (I've alraedy asked)- Govt Dept,per week, is 6 wks on 90% of pay and 20 wks on £106. I suppose I do feel a bit resentful - not sure who/where the resentment is directed - that at a time when I should be enjoying, revelling in the wonder of impending motherhood, I'm spending all my time worrying - not that the worrying has meade any difference... I probably should feel a bit more upbeat, but somehow, I don't. I can't help worrying!
Hi Toyin. I'll agree with almost everyone who has posted in response to your thread. DON'T be bullied into making a decision about your life. If you want to have this baby then nothing (and no one) should stop you. It's natural to worry about finances when a new baby comes along but I found it was actually easier to manage my debts after having my first baby. Strange but true. The baby's father does have a legal duty to provide financially for you and your baby. You'll probably be entitled to tax credits and you'll get child allowance too. It may not amount to much but it's a little extra each month to buy nappies, baby wipes, etc. Emotionally, you're not going through this alone. I'm sure that everyone here on ThinkBaby will support you. Whenever you need to talk to someone, we're all on here. We don't mind listening to whining, and as Scribbler says, we never get tired of talking about all things baby! Good luck and keep us updated X
Thanks, Ginny. It'll be a bit tricky encorcing the baby's father's legal obligation to contribute towards upkeep, seeing as he doesn't live in this country... But I am not quite giving up on him yet. I'll post an update when I get back from seeing him at the end of the month.
Thanks, Anna. I'm kinda ok. Going for genetic guidance/counselling on Friday, as I'm AS (sickle cell trait carrier) as is the baby's father. That should help me somewhat with the decision-making. I have said that if the baby is going to be abnormal, I'd be willing to terminate. Haven't sorted out anything with the baby's father - he does reside in the EU. He is still insisting that I am inconsiderate and selfish, first of all to have become pregnant (no, comments not nec.!:-)and for wanting to keep it. Nice to hear from you, though. Thanks.
I have just read your blogg and really do feel for you! Firstly, I am so pleased you are carrying on with the pregnancy - I have just had a child at 40 and after all the ho ha its the best thing ever - as soon as you see his/her face you will wonder what all the fuss/torment was about! My situation is different to yours, but I feel you are a very loving/kind natured lady who has unfortunately been on a bit of a rollercoaster lately as do all of us at some time or another through life! Try and get all the emotional and financial support from all resources. I know lots of single mums who were in similar situations and yes it has been hard and sometimes lonely road, but the reward of unconditonal love is second to none! You will soon realise who your real friends are - life is what you make it and I take my hat off to you for your courage and determination. I wish you every happiness and life will fall into place - be happy darling! Men are like a box of chocs - keep going until you find the right one! He's out there - I promise! Denise xx
