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No Sex!!!

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05/04/2008 at 13:49

Hi Ladies

 This is quite an embarrasing thing for me but i really need other pregnant womens advice.

Me and my fiance have been together 5 years. I am 28 wks + 6 days pregnant with our first baby and ever since we found out i was pregnant at 7 and a half wks there has been no sexual contact whatsoever.

He tells me hes worried incase he hurts baby but he wont do anything else either.

Its starting to make me feel paronoid and rather frustrated.

What would other women do in this situation?

Any advice would be great.

 Thanks

 Louise xx

05/04/2008 at 16:01

I'll swap ur fiance for my bf. LOL. I've completely gone off the idea, but bf is still well up for it!

Maybe get your fiance to have a look at some of the articles about sex and pregnancy on here? The baby is very well protected in your womb, cushioned in water and with your cervix in the way. Maybe once he realises this he'll relax a bit?

Sorry I'm not much help,
Nikki x (21+3)

05/04/2008 at 17:22

Yes please..i'll swap anyday LOL

Thanks for bein so kind to reply. I have told him many times that it is ok but he is still scared too!

Before i became pregnant i had something called Vagimus which is when ur vagina muscles tighten up when attempting to have penetrational sex which causes it too hurt, he has mentioned that because i had this he is also scared of doing any damage to me or hurting me. He has said he will try but never does.

 It wouldnt be so bad if he would do other things but i dont even get that.

Its soo frustrating and has knocked my confidence

05/04/2008 at 20:19

Congrate firstly on your pregnancy. I totaly had the same thing with my fiance, so did my friend with her partner. I spoke with my partner and explained he cant hurt either of us. Made no difference until later on in my pregnancy when he knew the baby was fine and he had seen the scans. I got lots of love and affection and he massaged my belly and feet nearly every day. Some me see their partner differently in the first part of the pregnancy. I ended up jumping on him as I wanted it!!

Dont let it knock you enjoy getting bigger!!

Tracey xx

05/04/2008 at 21:35
i totaly understand where ur comming from,, my hubby is the same even this is my thrid pregnancy,, he wasnt conviced on the sex idea at all, he got into his head that i would go into labour if we had sex but ive managed to convince him otherwise by shoving articals in his face and making him read them,, hes not been to bad since, although at the mo i feel like i can take it or leave it as it dosnt really bother me,, maybe i dont have much of a sex drive prob due to my ever growing belly and lack of sleep because baby thinks its play time when it bed time,, im sure you'll both come to a happy medium but dont let it get you down,, hes bound to feel abit scard with it being your first baby,,, hope that of any help xx
06/04/2008 at 01:16

Hi Louise

Sex whats that??!!!! Im 36+1 with our first child. We've tried to have sex but the idea really puts off my hubby. We've tried in the first and second trimester but nothign happens. Ive read loads of magazines and told him that having sex would do no harm to the baby andhe says he knows but doesnt want to incase it freaks the baby out. HUH?!!! After hearing from my other mummies from another forum who have bleed from sex, it put me right off sex and when I told my hubby he said we were definately not having sex.

Not to put you off or anything but as long as your pregnancy has been ok then by all means you can have sex.  I get plenty of hugs and kisses so I dont mind missing out on the sex.  I just cant wait until after the baby is here and we can begin again - fingers crossed that Im not to tired! 

Karen xxxxx 

06/04/2008 at 17:21

The thing to ask yourself is if it were you who was not wanting sex incase you hurt your baby and your fiance was pushing you how would you honestly feel and think? It's quite common for men to feel like this particularly in the 1st 3 months. He might be worried about starting something and then going whole way which might be why he's refusing to do anything. Maybe for now he could do things such as give you a massage which is intimate but not too sexual? He might just need time to get used to the idea of baby and all it entails. It's a big thing for us women having a baby but I think we forget that it's a big thing for our fellas as well..yes in a different way but that shouldn't diminsh what they are going through or make it less important. Once he knows everything is ok at 3 month scan he may relax a bit. Try not to let it come between you as sex is only part of a relationship and even if you don't have it for 9 months it means other parts of your relationship may have chance to grow and flourish. It sounds like he loves you very much and this is about protection of you and your baby. I certainly don't hear anything that should make you feel paranoid. If you feel a bit frustrated then perhaps you can have some time on your own for relief if ya know what I mean and don't look at doing this as a result of rejection as it doesn't sound like it. Look at it as an adult responce to feeling a bit sexually frustrated and getting your own need met (relief) and your fiances need met (not to be pushed). Hope that helps honey. Enjoy your pregnancy it's a precious time and will fly by!

Eowyn

06/04/2008 at 17:29

Hi Ladies

 Thanks so much for all ur replys!

 It's nice to know there are other women in my situation.

 Like you MKS-88 my fiance has also said that he feels uncomfortable incase it freaks the baby out and wonders whats going on and im thinkin the same as you...HUH?! lol

Eowyn - Thanks so much for ur message, it helped me to understand things abit more although I cant help but let it get my down especially as my hormones are everywhere at the mo anyway but i totally agree with what you are saying putting the shoe on the other foot. Im 29 weeks today so we have had both of our scans but it has not made him feel any better atall

Louise xxx

06/04/2008 at 17:42

Sorry I didn't realise you were so far on. I'm 4o wks 1 dy and we've had no sex either. It sounds like your hubby isn't going to want sex at all. I think you have to trust it's cos of the reasons he's saying. It is quite common. I think it's not just worrying about hurting the baby for some men it's hard for them to see a preg mum as sexual...we can't actually control what turns us on and off so it's not his or your fault and is no reflection on your attractiveness. He may find he's just not feeling sexual himself which might be why he won't do anything. My hubby has been massaging my feet regulaly, it's not sexual but it's intimate and loving. Best of luck honey.

Eowyn

06/04/2008 at 20:12

Eowyn  - I understand what you've said and its just finding other ways of being close to your OH. My OH has been giving me loads of back massages as Im 36+2 and my back is starting to cause me some niggling discomfort or even sharing a shower with him. its just being close to one another in a different way other than sex. 

Louise - Have been given the all clear from both of the scans but it still bugs my OH about having sex. Try not to let it get you down hun I know how you feel. Them hormones doesnt help matters, theyre a pain in the backside! Ive tried other ways of being initmate with him and it has helped a bit.  You've just got to find your way of being intimate.

Karen xxxx 

06/04/2008 at 20:32

Eowyn - I did start to think he is not attracted to me anymore because im pregnant even if he does try and reassure me that he loves my bump as it makes the baby seem more real etc.

Luckily so far i havent got very big, im still wearing size 10 trousers with no problem but ive always been very small so didnt think i would get very big.

 Its not so much the sex that bothers me,  its the closeness...because we havent been intimate for so long i dont feel close to him anymore and i find myself crying alot cause its made me feel alone. im sorry if i sound really silly!

we do live together so we are together alot and we do cuddle up on sofa and watch films etc but thats as far as it goes part from cuddling in bed.I just feel as though whenever i touch him in a sexual way he just pushes me away which makes me feel rejected.

 Louise xxx

06/04/2008 at 22:16

Hi Louise,

Congrats on your pregnancy!

You don't sound silly at all hun! During my first pregnancy I got upset and worried as I felt distant from my OH for the same reasons... I too went through emotions that he wasn't attracted to me anymore, even as far to think he did not love me anymore & often felt rejected... part was my hormones I am sure and part was because he was uncomfy being close to me sexually and I did not allow for that so felt enormous upset when our sex life changed so dramatically, especially in the early months... it took us ages to properly talk about it but once he explained I understood. At the time I took it really hard, especially as we were a very sexually active couple before I fell pregnant (probably why it only took us the one month to conceive )

For him, he was not happy to have full sexual intercourse in the first 3-4 months as he was so worried about baby, me & just not comfy with the whole idea of sex and pregnancy... I got insecure and so I was the one 'pushing' for sexual attention, but that meant he backed off completely - so then I got even more upset as I then went through the whole "he doesn't love me" emotion and feeling I had done something wrong and for a time felt very alone and upset, it causes arguments too... but once we finally properly discussed it and were both honest I was to learn that he was simply not comfy with the idea of sex and pregnancy, that he did love me but would rather not "do it" for a while until he got used to the idea and was comfy with it and the reason he backed off everything close and sexual such as passionate kisses, etc was because he felt if he started being affectionate I would want it to lead to sex and he wouldn't so he avoided it all altogether!!! It became quite a problem during the pregnancy until we really spoke about it... I then relaxed and accepted he loved me and all but just didn't want sex for now and realised it was wrong of me to try and push it. My OH was really sad that I thought he may not love me anymore and was quick to reassure me and was then very honest about how he was feeling.

LOL... post too long so won't let me post all in one go so cutting it here and post the rest in new message.................

06/04/2008 at 22:16

...................continued................

Once we relaxed about it, I was no longer insecure about us and once I was further along with the pregnancy we started having some sex, albeit occasionally... more importantly though we were able to go back to kisses and cuddles and "other things" that were close and affectionate with no pressure to have full blown sex... the pressure was off us both and it was a much happier time... so by the time I was two weeks overdue, he was more than happy to try and help things along haha!!!!

After the pregnancy, my OH was again a bit uncomfy and nervous about it as I had a section and he was scared to hurt me (I as always was up for it as soon as LOL!)... after I had my 8 week check he was happy I was fit enough and we got back to business as usual (well obviously it wasn't quite as frequent with a new baby to look after but we made the most of any time we had!!)... now I am pregnant with baby no.2, 14 weeks this tues coming and we have already been much more affectionate and had much more sex!! Think it is because this time we are happy to take it or leave it and there is no pressure!!! It is even quite a joke with us now and at the first mention of sex he says "no way, it might bite me!!!"

So, my advice is... I really know how you feel and to you it is very upsetting but please try and relax, back off your OH a bit, try and talk about it openly and honestly with him and give him time to get used to the idea and even if he doesn't get to a point of be comfy with sex, by backing off and relaxing about it and being honest about how you feel, you will get back the close bond you miss... let him trust he can cuddle up and have a kiss without it leading to anything he currently feels uncomfy about!! It will get better and don't worry, although at times you will feel alone and that it is all over (I even sat at 2am with a hot choc one night around 26 weeks pregnant and convinced myself he would leave me!!!!!!!!).... it will be alright in the end!!!

Hormones have a lot to answer for!!! They play all sorts of games with your minds... just remember that your OH can't really understand them and he has worries too... good luck, take care & enjoy your pregnancy!

M xx

06/04/2008 at 22:17
p.s. sorry about the HUGE novel!!!!!!!!!!!
08/04/2008 at 23:12

Hi JM

 WOW, that was a  very long message lol

 Thanks so much for explaining things to me, it has made me understand things so much better. Im glad u mentioned about the whole pressure thing...(when ur constantly trying to push someone into doing something it pushes them away even more).... It all seems to add up now! I will take alot of the things u said on board & let u know how i get on!

 I would just like to say congrats on ur pregnancy no.2 hope it is going well for you.

Louisexxx

09/04/2008 at 00:40

hi louise, congratulations on your pregancy,

im only 19, 20 this friday and going to be 15 weeks pregnant with my first baby this thursday, even though im not well experiance about the whole thing, but from what i heard and gathered up information, sex really safe and very helpfull for the baby, its keeps the blood flowing through the umbilicul cord and the baby will get an extra boost of nutriants such as iron and folic (that gets caurght but when getting pleasured it flows it along to the baby)plus its one of the best excercise you can do when pregnant instead of doing pelvic floor excercise lol.so from what i read from loads of information and ask the midwife, theres nothing thats a mans penis can do to hurt the baby...and no sperm cant get through the cervix because its blocked off by what i think its called mucus or something like that, but midwife recommends having sex to start labour off when your coming upto 40 or going passed 40 weeks pregnant to start the labour.if that doesnt work eat loads of really hot spicy foods that should do it.haha

even though im young at age going to be a first time mum i do hope this is ok for you and instead stead of trying to get sex why dont you get it all spice up romanticlly have a relaxing bath togeather, light up some candles in the bedroom with relaxing quite music,give each other backmassages,then try out Tantric sex where you just take you time let your spirits become one in the now and let your spiritual consiness take over.(it doesnt have to be the usaull sex)if you need advice on Tantric sex just google it and read it with your partner.

sorry that i cant be much more of help, but i wish you good luck for the rest of your pregnancy and i hope that the baby has a safe journey into this world xx

09/04/2008 at 11:05

hi Claire think you should become a sex therapist!!!

I can relate to all that has been said on here. when i had my daughter 14 years ago, my hubby went of sex and i was really hurt, unfortunately he would not discuss it and when DD was born, the sex never returned! I was told ...by hubby that because i started having sex at an early age... it was time that i had a rest!! i was only 26 i didnt intend to stop havin sex so young regardless of when i started!!

Needless to say when DD was 3 we split and i met my current hubby shortly after. We did have sex during this pregnancy..(baby born 26/3) but only once he had been reassured by everbody that i could get to reassure him! that it would be ok, but only once he had seen baby was ok on the 12 week scan.

It did become a bit tricky as bump grew but then we just found alternative ways to please each other and .....dare i say it..even when the other person wasn't there!

I think this baby has brought us much closer together, but again thats because sex was not  "no go " area   during my pregnancy.

All i can say is that i had  a cesaerian 2 weeks  ago today and i am gagging for a bonk, just hope that hubby will be up for it as soon as i am able!

Good luck to all you ladies xxxxx

lol Sarah XXXXXX

09/04/2008 at 13:21

Hi sarah,

Iv been with my boyfriend for nearlly 4 years, we had loads of spiritual conextion when we having sex,and not just sex as well but we broke up for a few months even though he was still living with me lol.. but since then ,when we have the chance in having sex, it was like once in a month *roughly* and i always thorght that he was put off me and didnt enjoy having sex with me, but that wasnt the case,we actually thorght when we talked to each other, that if you keep on having sex like 3 times a week, we would be like bored in a few months down the line,but if you leave it for some time , the sex feels more speacial and you find yourself to become more sensitive and as for the orgasums... they feel really powerfull.but anyways apart from that ... since i got pregnant its been no problem having sex with my partner and as for the bump growing big, you can find different positions while having sex without your bump getting in the way...such as all on fours, or lying on your side or the female on top.depending on how comfortable you are in a position...

plus having sex with your partner ...while pregnant is a really good way for all three of you to connect with each other. im no expert or sex therapist but gathering information and knowledge that you can, can go a very long way, we shuld help each other because at the end of the day we're are all in a simular position.if you tried everything to have sex with your partner and hes still not interested,maybe he doesnt want to be forced into it maybe he just wants to concerntrate on the important thing.. that is the life growing inside you...make a bru, sit down and talk to each other share your feelings, and see what he actually feels inside. and an hour before he comes back form work ect cook a nice dinner light up some candles and suprise him with romanticness. if his still doesnt want sex then why not try oral so then he doesnt have to worry about hurting the baby ( even though sex wont,) lol.( you shouldnt have to force sex out from each other it should come natually, but if hes not interested, while not wait another day till he is ready)

with the whole thing about because hes not as attracted to you like he was in the first place, i think thats not the case, cause if he is then why on earth will he be having a child with you, and if you have had a child and hes not having sex still, maybe hes priotising on the child and for whats best for the family, and that his consiousness has phsycolligly transitioned from you being his girlfriend to being the mother of his child)

sorry for ranting on loads but i just had to say what i needed to say maybe some of it might sounded abit crap to you and oh she doesnt know what she talking about. but every little advice can go a long way.even if the person is trying to help. ( all i can say at the end of the day SEX IS NOT EVERYTHING)

and for every pregnant women out there like i said to louise that i wish you good luck for the rest of your pregnancy and i hope the babys safe journey into this world

xxxx from claire

09/04/2008 at 13:39

Claire, you seem to have taken my comment the wrong way!! It was a compliment that i said you should be a sex therapist...lol x

I strongly agree that on this site we have all helped each other and a little bit of advice goes a long way.  I have been on the due April Forum since discovering i was pregnant and we have helped each other through a few tough times...to say the least. Hey and i didnt think that anything that you said was crap...in fact, without sounding patronising i was impressed by your response, regardless of age! hey listen, at the end of the day, i'm 38 and you are never too old/too young to learn a thing or two!!

Good luck with your pregnancies ladies, mine was fantastic and if i wasn't 38 i would love to do it again, but prob won't!! Just going to enjoy every minute that i have with my little man and enjoy all of the practicing...and no babies with my big man...... i think there was a compliment in there for him???

Take care of yourselves and your bumps

love Sarah x x x 

09/04/2008 at 13:49

hi sarah, i knew it was a compliment but was just saying that im not a sex therapist and wouldnt really qualifie to be one lol..

and for me talking crap , i do come out with stupied things to say or i dont make  sence when i talk lol ( im going to feel sorry for when my baby comes)haha

and what i wrote wasnt an argue back to any of your reply, its just some information that could help a person, and a person is never to old or to young to have fun except under 16 lol

love claire xxxx 

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