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being a single mum

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26/10/2009 at 20:39

hi

i have 2 girls one who is 3 and one who is almost 10 months. sadly the other day my husband said he was unhappy and has decided to leave me. well not tottally as he is still sleeping on the sofa. but he says he dosn't love me any more and he thinks we are too much like good friends. 

so i am wanting advice from anyone who is or has gone through a similar thing to offer advice. i want him to stay around as much as poss to help with the girls and give them a little bit of normality in the time of readjustment. and i know i cant cope financially without him. he says he is happy to pay the mortgage and help in any way he can. i just feel a bit lost as what i need to do and what help i can get if any. 

tbh i dont really want to start thinking about all this but i know in the interest of my babies i need to start. if anyone can offer advice please reply.

a very lonely and messed up mummy xxx

27/10/2009 at 08:10
Natty hun, I'm so sorry.  I can't really offer much advice as it hasn't happened to me but I can relate a little to doing it on your own as my hubby is away quite a bit (not the same at all I know).  But if you just need to talk then I'm around most of the day today, popping out briefly in a bit  but apart from that I'll be around.
29/10/2009 at 22:17

thanks gem. that means alot.

just feeling lonely atm. just been away for a couple of day tho which was good. back now and back to reality.just scared how the future will pan out. guess i just have to wait and see. gotta say im still in shock!! thanks tho babe xxx

03/11/2009 at 09:41
natty , i just pm you on fb but was worried so came on here to find out if you were ok ,sory about what's happening with you and tim hun , i've said the same to barrie as tim's said to you but i didn't mean it it's just that after every child is born things change again and it's feels like it did when the first was born your relationship is put under more stress and everyone is displaced due to the demands of another small person to care for and no time for a relationship , i'm sure tim doesn't mean it . i've found it really hard with another baby to care for and feel like buggering off myself at times but i wouldn't it's just sometimes it all feels like too much ,i hope this is the case babes and it all works out for you , you know where i am if you need to talk about time i repay you for all the times you've been there for me luv ya xxxx
06/11/2009 at 00:14

hi amanda.

thanks hon. its good to have your support. i hope it is like you say but i just dont know anymore. i think he i adament its over. so have to get on with life. its heartbreaking tho. feel very lost.

and surprised not more people are on here with the same prob. i thought being a single mum was common now. seems not!

grrrrr i need a long stiff drink cos i just cant cope anymore. xxx

06/11/2009 at 12:36
hiya natty , i hope so too hun xx

babies are supposed to bring a relationship together but reality is the opposite it's a great strain on it instead ...i've had enough to know that !

barrie was saying last night that out of 48 staff he has that only 6 are still together as couples ? so you are so not alone in this ! there are most prob a lot more on her with the same prob but not many want to talk about it . most couples go through this i could have been single myself if we'd both decided not to keep at it the last 2 years has really tested us but i always remember what someone said once about affairs that it takes a lot of effort to have an affair and that if couples put the same effort into their relationship it would work out and to be honest if you and tim don't get back together it will take a lot of effort to start again with someone else so i wonder if you can both sit down and talk about this and try and start again even pretend your dating again if you have to i can tell you want to give it another go and i hate to see you so down see if he'll give it another go too .

i'm sorry if i've said anything wrong cos i haven't indended to and only trying to help ,i tried the drink option too it didn't work so went back to chocolate much better no hangovers lol !

you take care i'm here anytime for you xxxxxxxxxx
06/11/2009 at 23:38

amanda

thank you hon. you never said too much hon. its always good to have someone elses point of view. i understand so many couples go through hard times. i wish he realised that having doubts and feeling trapped is a normal part of being married with kids. 

he moved out on wed after sleeping on the sofa for a couple of weeks. since then its been hard but i know it will either make him realise what he has lost or make him realise how tough being apart and not talking will make being around the kids hard. i just hope he dosn't think about how the last 11 years have been wasted, but if we dont spend time apart i will never know for sure if this is really what he wants.

you are correct when it comes to relationships it is important to put the effort in. eventually we will get it sorted.

today he came over for  a few hours and it was nice. just hard getting used to him going home to his parents. but its possitive we could have a good few hours without arguing.

as far as him cheating, i was really worried but this evening i feel more certain that the breakup is not over anyone else. which has helped.

time is a great healer and i have always thought that everything happens for a reason even if you dont realise it at the time. and i still stand by that. cos if you dont have hope then what is the point in going on. eventually we may get back together and be stronger than ever. if we dont tho im sure we will both move on and be happy. 

thanks for all your advice hon. hope you and the family are well and im pleased you and barrie have managed to get through everything. with all you have had to go through your bound to have some bad days. but i hope we can be like you two and finally get back together.

take care hon xxx

07/11/2009 at 09:32
hi hun , sounds like your head is in the right place , good signs that you are getting on at least !
your so right you must have hope , i'm sure when he's away he'll soon realise that he misses you and the girls just as much as you miss him .
keep strong i'm sure you'll get there xxxx
09/11/2009 at 20:10

Hi Ladies

Amanda you are so right about the pressure. Natty I am so sorry and always worry that I push mine to much and will foce him away. My mum had 3 of us and honestly she done amazing, yeah it will be hard at first but you will find your way and yourself through this period. My mum is my rock and I am so proud of her. I hope you have family for support. Maybe he juat needs time to realsie ho lucky he is..

Oh my met a amazing man whom she married and was the happiest she could have everbeen as she thought she would never love another man.. 25 years they where together and he may not have been my biological dad but in my heart he was sadly he passed away 2 yrs ago but my mum knows she has been loved. You will heal and you have the best love possible your girls...

hugs Tracey xxxxx

09/11/2009 at 23:12

thank you

tracey - your mum sounds so amazing. i hope i can be a good mum like her

i am lucky cos atm he is still around alot and is trying to be there for the girls. i find it hard to cope withthe fact i am no longer the centre of his world. i am now at the bottom of the list and thats hard to adjust to. and the normal day to day things you dont even realise you do. like hugs and kisses. we always gave each other 3 kisses and we always waved at the door to say buy to him in the morning. silly things that you miss when they are gone

i have to realise i am lucky. many people dont get the wonderful amount of time with one person and the happiness. i had 11 fantastic years. i only wish we could have another 11 years. but maybe after time he will change his mind?

it is better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all. i just wish looseing someone could be easier. but i have 2 beautiful kids and i know no matter how he feels about me he will always put the children first. cos despite all this he is one of the best husbands and fathers you can imagine! 

thanks for listening xxx

18/11/2009 at 21:15

Hi natty,

I went through the same thing when my son was 4 months old and my partner left after not being able to cope with my son william. It was hard as i had only been back at work 2 weeks working full time. i struggled along relying on family to look after william but it was too much and i gave up work after 7 months (this june) I am now at college and going to university next year. during the whole 7 months my partner had nothing to do with us and moved 200 miles away. he never saw william but he is back on the scene now and we are slowly trying to work at a relationship but to be honest i find that harder now as i have lost the trust.

in the end you need to do what is right for your children and you.whatever you decide that to be. financially you can get child tax credits, family allowance, housing benefit and council tax benefit. if you are working you can get working tax credit and help with childcare. if you are not working you can get income support and milk vouchers.

if it is going ahead it is best to make an agreement for money privately to keep it amicable but you can get a form sent to you that you both sign and if he fails to pay later you have it in writing what he agreed. if you go down the official route you get about 25% of his weekly wages. if he earns £250 you get £50.

im sorry if this sounds clinical and i hope you can work it out before you even have to start sorting it out.

19/11/2009 at 21:13

hi natty.

sorry to hear about you and husband. im going through the same thing right now. few weeks back my boyfriend of almost 4 yrs (and my little girls dad), said he didnt love me anymore. As i can t afford to stay in our house alone (and its home to his kids, whereas my daughter isnt old enough to be bothered), im desperately looking for a new home. The problem is i could be stuck here a while as due to finances i either need a privatel let that is already furnished, or a council house.

My day to day life seems identical to yours. He still helps with the kids, but it is v hard adjusting to still living with him but not having the closeness we used to have. Sometimes have to stop myself from going to hold his hand when we're sat together, but just to confuse me even more he still would want to have sex with me if i was up for it!

Hope you are ok.

Em x

20/11/2009 at 13:46

God Natty, I haven't been on this site for ages because i've been going through exactly the same thing as you!!!!!! My hubbie decided in july that he didn't love me anymore and that he had met someone at work who was obviously more interesting than me!!!!!

He moved out but kept coming round to see the children and it was nice to see him but hard when he went! Then in Oct he decided that he would like to give it another try, to try and work things out, so he's moved back in and we're slowly trying to make things better!! The only thing is that now i don't trust him, i'm scared that if i let down my barriers he will leave again and i'll be back to square one of being so upset. Being a single parent was the hardest thing, but i found out who my true friends were.

I hope you can work things out, maybe a bit of time out will make him realise exactly what he's missing. I think it seems that men are jeleous of the attention we give our babies and feel like they are missing out!! We're going to go to councilling as soon as an appointment comes through!

Em my oh still wanted sex aswell, he wanted to act like a family when he felt like it and then go to his friends to stay just as i was putting them to bed!! The worse thing i still miss is that he doesn't tell me he loves me!!!

Hope you are both ok

Sarah, Harry, Em and baby oliver x x x

21/11/2009 at 08:49

Sarah. Hope it works out for you this time. can totally understand you being wary, will just take a lot of time and he'l have to understand things just cant go back to how it was without a lot of effort.

The hardest part for me is ive never had a great relationship with my stepkids, but you feel like you can take more hassle when you have someone who loves you backing you up. Now i dont have that i do feel very 'put upon' sometimes.

em x

22/11/2009 at 22:38

hi ladies

wow seems like we are all going through it. what are these men thinking?

last week was awful and came to a head when he promissed on a number of days to come over then canx at the last minute. so on thurs i told him he couldn't see the girls without going through his parents. but he came over fri night when the girls were at my parents and he said he was sorry for the lies and told me he was staying at a teacher friend of his house and her husband. and that he wanted to try to build a friendship etc. so we had a great weekend. until that was he left tonight at 7 30 just after the girls had gone to bed. just as he was leaving chloe woke and was unconsolable and molly also woke. and even tho he said he wasn't going to see anyone he still left. he wouldn't concider staying to help with the girls. and when i saked why he had to go he just said he was tired. i sent him a text an hour later to say the girls were still awake and he still didn't care. he was like "oh shit sorry!" so i said that it wasn't fair and he didn't need to leave and i needed his help more. and not had any real reply. he did text back to see if they were asleep at about 9 30 and i said yes. he asked if i were ok and i said i had had a good weekend but missed him when he went. no reply. i put my heart on my sleve and he cant even give me a response. it hurts cos our weeken d was lovely. like old times. so why isn't that good enough? all i want is him back and he isn't interested. and i like you both dont trust him. he swares still there is no one else but i cant understand why he keeps leaving and letting me down and then ignores messages. its so frustrating.

sarah - i thought it had been a while since i last saw you on here. im so sorry you are going through the same thing. must be hard knowing that there was someone else. but at least you know and can watch for any warning signs. i cant beleive these men will leave us with such young babies too.

i hope things work out well for you tho hon. always be on guard but try to make things work. its hard and trust will take so long to gain back. but just see it as a blip and try to be strong. who knows things may be even better from now on.

emma - poor you on the house front. tim is still supporting us on that front luckily. however when he is now living so far away  its difficult to know what he is doing and thinking. at least living together there is a chance of patching thisngs up. i hope it works out one way or another.

at least we can all stay strong for each other. thanks for all the advice and support ladies. sending big hugs xxx

23/11/2009 at 12:01

Hi.

Natty. So sorry you didnt get the help you deserve from Tim. Was so out of line leaving you alone with 2 crying children, especially when he had nothing else important to do!

Understand how hard it is, but think you need to try and let go of any hope of getting back together. If you can have a great time with him, but then he still abandons you when you need him, it shows where his priorities lie.

I appreciate your message, but there is no chance of it working out with me and jon. Back in June id actually found a house, but after lot of talking i agreed to give things another chance. But, since then, he's just done and said a lot of things that have thrown that faith i put in us back in my face.

25/11/2009 at 21:34

Hi all

I spoke too soon!!! He told me yesterday he still loves this other women and he went to sort his head out!! He then text me to say she didn't want him so could he come home!!! This morning he said he doesn't know how he can stop loving her but he doesn't want to leave the children!! I was soooo upset it was like it was back to how i felt 6 months ago. We talked about both really trying to work it out but he said what happens if it doesn't work out!!! The thing is i know it will work if we both try.

I know what you mean about having a lovely weekend and then them leaving! We went on holiday for 2 weeks and it was great then when we got home he announced he was off to stay with his friend!! Bloody men!

I don't know where i stand now or what the hell is going on! He says he's upset and ****ed up and needs time to think, but it's not fair on us. When i was upset yesterday Harry said is Daddy leaving again?? He needs to make a decision quick and sort his head out. I love him and i know it could be good again but i'm not going to put up with him thinking about someone else!!

Sorry for going on i needed to tell someone!!

Take care

Sarah

26/11/2009 at 21:19

Sarah. Dont apologise for 'going on', you needed to vent!

I know you want to have hpe that it will work out if you try, but to be brutally honest i cant see it happening. Im not trying to upset you, but someone from outside your life can be more objective. if this oter woman had wanted him he wouldnt have even asked to come back, that shows you where he is at. He cant use missing the kids as an excuse to mess you around again.

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