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Once a cheat always a cheat??

11 messages
03/09/2010 at 18:44

Hi Ladies,

I have just found out that my partner of 6 years has had an affair/fling.

I found out by accidentally stumbling upon a 'secret' e mail account.

It lasted 4 months, and he ended it 2 months ago - the guilt got too much for him.....ahhh!!! 

It started not long after my baby was born (I/we have 2 children, aged 2 and 7 months)

He appears remorseful - but to be honest I don't trust anything he says now (understandable I know!)

A drunken 1 night stand is almost forgiveable (maybe not!) - but to allow it go on for 4 months is something quite different.

I am trying to hold it together (emotionally) for my babies - but really dont know what to do for the best.  Do I stay with him and become bitter and twisted - unable to trust - expecting it to happen again??  Or call it a day?  If we give it another go I know I need to let go, but I dont know if I can - just as I calm down, I come out with another sniping comment (totally justified of course).

He works away a lot - so I guess that has given him the opportunity to stray. 

He has answered all my questions (even the graphic ones - I would rather know, than let my imagination run away with itself) - closed e mail accounts etc (however they are easier to set up!) and is off to the GU clinic next week.

All this said - the phrase 'once a cheat always a cheat' keeps coming back to me.

Any advice?

03/09/2010 at 19:20

Hi hun,

Don't really know what to say to this other than i'm so sorry it's happening to you. Have to say I think your partner is so selfish to have done it. Would he have told you if you hadn't found the 'secret' account, or is he remourseful because he's been found out?

I would never tell anyone what to do in this situation, just i know that if it happened to me i wouldn't be able to trust my husband again. Knowing what i'm like it would come up in arguments and every txt, email, or phone call he got I would assume he's up to know good.

If you do decide to give him a second chance (which you may do for your babies sake) you'd need to be prepared to let sleeping dogs lie. But, just remember if you do take him back it can't just be for the kids sake, you've got to do what's right for you too hun.

Again, so sorry you're having to go through it, but if it was me, i think i'd get out. Have you got supportive friends and family?

xxx

ali
03/09/2010 at 22:44

hi there, 

Really sorry to hear that this is happening to you. I hope that you will find the strength to get through this. Your children come first and they will help you through this time. My daughter is always there for me. You have to do what you feel is right for you and the children. 

If you stay it has to be for the right reasons. I hope you will be ok and if you need a chat then you know you can talk herexxxx

 

06/09/2010 at 14:55

Hi,

 I am so sorry that he has put you and your children through this.  In this situation noone can tell you what to do, unfortunately you have to make the decision based on what is right for you and your children.

Did he tell you why he had had the affair?  It could be although never excuseable, it might help you to determine whether it could happen again or circumstances at the time 'forced' him to act out of character.

I recently found out that my dad had an affair when i was 2 and my sister was 3mths old - my mum was suffering with a bit of PND and was difficult to talk to so mydad turned to another woman.  My mum agreed to work through it as she fundamentally believed he was a good guy and father.  They have been married for 35 years and appear happy.  I wonder what my life would have been like had my mum left my dad...

The most important thing is your happiness, it is still so raw so you can't be expected to forgive and forget but over time if you want to it will become less painful and you will be able to rebuild the trust. 

Take some time away from him to think, you will make the right decision for you and your children will be happy whatever you decide they will always have the love of both their parents.

I hope you find the answers you need, always here to chat,

Gem

06/02/2011 at 15:16

Hi it must be terrible to discover something like this.

It makes it so much harder when u have children in the picture.

I personally know that if it was my Husband i wouldn't be able to forgive and forget no matter how hard i tried. U have to think about how it will effect the kids if u do stay with him too as it's amazing what they pick up on.

 Be strong for your babies and do what's right for all of u. Either way you choose is gonna be hard, but you will get through it, just takes time.

28/12/2013 at 17:58

one night stand might be understandable..i mean when you have babies and a stable marriage, you can forgive his weakness for one night but lasting 4 month! No!

21/02/2014 at 09:12

Nowadays I have similar problem... My husband probably betrays me but I haven't got any proofs. Honestly speaking I haven't got any idea how I can confirm my suspicions... He always writes with someone and deletes his text messages, he is acting cold and distant lately... I don't know what I should do now...

22/02/2014 at 21:10

it's difficult to say, it's very hard situation. In this case you have only one option - you must check him. I was in similar situation, I used SpyLogger - very effective spy program, in this way I learned about his adultery...Maybe it's good idea? I hope all goes well...

23/02/2014 at 13:10

You're damn right... This program.. It's good idea, but I wouldn't count on too much luck... How does it work?

25/02/2014 at 23:56

This program saves all data and, according to version, can collected it in your e-mail box - all clicked keys, all visited websites etc. Very effective tool, really. In this way I took facts incriminate my husband.  

26/02/2014 at 03:31

Thanks, in that case I'll order it and I'll try - anyway I haven't got any better idea, I hope that brings results, I'll write about effects, surely.

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