pregnant g/f and relationship problems

Have just signed up to this site as i am at my wits end.

I have recently found out that my g/f is pregnant with my baby ( she is 33 and i am 45) this is our first baby for both of us. We have been together fpr just over a year and are engaged. We dont live together and she is now 11 weeks pregnant, since finding out she has gradually totally blanked me out to the point when now i dont see her at all and she wont talk to me.

It a totally unplanned pregnancy and i was diagnosed as sterile 16 years ago following a course of chemotherapy treatment for cancer. I am over the moon and very excited about becoming a father as it was something i had given up on! My g/f dosent want to talk about the pregnancy, she has been getting real tired and feeling sick, but if i ask her how she feels or if i can help in any way she just snaps at me and says she is pregnant and there is nothing i can do about it or help.

over the last week i have only seen her twice and for only about 4-5 hurs at the time, i tell her that i am here for her and want to help in any way i can and be with her but she just says to stop going on about it she is pregnant and theres is nothing i can do. A few days ago i told her i feel like i am not wanted or needed by her she just went off the handle at me and told me i was making her feel bad and was being inconsiderate yet she is tired and stressed but wont let me cook for her help with the houswork or any thing else, She has not told me 'we dont live in each others pockets and are not married and have our own lives. you can not be with me every minute of the bloody day well you work and so do i an they are opposite jobs to each other. every day i am off you spend with me the only difference being that i have stayed here twice at night as it is easier for me to sleep at the minute.' i can understand a lot of what she is going through but she seems in denayal about being pregnant and i am not allowed to talk to her about it or the future, living together about the birth etc.

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She has told me that i shouldnt worry about her she is just pregnant and that it is her thats going through changes and there is nothing i can do about it or help. i told her i am here for her and whenever she needs me to talk or anything else i have told yes i am excited and happy biut have the same scared feeling and anxiety as her but her reply just left me totally confused. She said and i quote " which i understand for you but this is meant to be a happy time and at the minute its not and i have me to think of this pregnancy to think of and you but you are so excitied which i understand but your getting to much at the minute. sorry i know its not what you want to hear and cant really explain it in the right words but i cant do everything it feels at the minute, i know you love me and everything else it just seems we are drifting and everything is all over the place, if its like this know whats it going to be like for the next 6 months and after that. Yes emotionally i am all over the place but really there is not alot to talk about at the end of the day i am pregnant and we will have a child which i hope is healthy etc in 9 months. Financially we are not in the right place to be lliving somewhere at the minute... And other than that if this happens again I will be calling it a day between me and you, and it wont happen again because that will be the end of me and you. I am not going through it again baby or no baby"
All this is from me saying that i felt not wanted or needed in this pregnancy as she wont talk about it or see me.

Now i know a lot of you will say she is very hormonal but i think there is more to it, am i being paranoid? she want let me touch her now hold her, cuddle her or kiss her. is anyone else having a similar experience?

Any advice would greatly welcomed

Thank you

hiya, sorry i dont mean to butt in but i am currently 7 weeks pregnant and im sure my fiancee would tell you he is having the same problems as you. i am tired constantly, the sickness has kicked in and i do not want to be touched at all. we have a 10 month old little boy and he really tires me out but i was the exact same when i was pregnant with him and kev always felt that he wasnt included even although he came to every anti natal appointment and scan with me but men really dont have a clue how we feel. my only advice would be to give her some space to get her head round what is going on as this pregnancy is obviously a suprise to both of you's and she maybe is just in shock. i hope things get better but if things dont work out between you's i hope she lets you in and be part of the whole experience because it really is one of the best things ever as im sure any man or woman will agree with me on. keep in touch and let me know how you get on. claire x x

It must be difficult, especially as you live apart.  Write a love letter.  I know it's cheesy, but pregnant women are hormonal and I'm sure reading this sort of thing in her own private space will have her feeling good (in a teary way!)

Use the letter as an opportunity to reassure her you love her and your baby.  Tell her you're here for her but that you understand she's tired and feeling sick.  Say you're sorry you can't go through that part with her, but that you're always on hand if she wants to moan (let her if she wants to...it's part of the deal!)

Say it's ok if she wants some personal space but that you'd love to attend the ante-natal appointments/scans so you can be there for her and understand this amazing process.  Say all the positive bits you've said above.

I'm sure as hell you're feeling hurt, confused and angry that you're being excluded - and I totally respect that.  It's hard for a man because it's all taken out of your control. 

While you're just desperate to be involved and you're well-meaning, if you're going on and on about it, from her perspective it'll just seem like harrassment and she'll get defensive.  Both of you have valid points of view but one of you has got to give, and I'd say it should be you (sorry!) 

Once you've sent the letter, wait for her to get in touch. 

It sounds as though the pregnancy is a huge shock for her.  She's trying to get her head round it.  I totally understand what she said.  She wants to be as happy as you and she's feeling bad that she isn't.  She was trying to take your feelings into consideration while trying to come to terms with her own.  It sounds like she definitely loves you but she needs to do her own thing at the moment.  My suggestion would be to let her. 

There are around 40 weeks of pregnancy, and the first few months are pretty uneventful (from a bump and baby persepctive) so I'd say bide you're time, be on-hand but not in her face, and she'll come round eventually.

Good luck!

I know it's really, really hard but try and make everything you say about her not you.  If you do, she'll open up in the long run,and you can both enjoy the pregnancy.  People deal with pregnancy in their own way.  She sounds like she's normally very independent and she's worried she's going to lose this.  So in this case, it might not be a great idea to talk about moving in or the birth - that's quite a way ahead!!!

Let her do her own thing for now and she'll come round. 

hi

i agree with loopy. i think a letter would be really good idea. i am going through a relationship break up with my husband. its been very difficult but i have found the best way for us to communicate has been through letters/emails. this way you can express how you feel and get stuff off your chest without it being confrontational. you can express emotions better through words and its not just a spur of the moment thing. it gives you a chance to really think about what you want to say.

pregnancy is a very funny thing. the hormones are terrible and even with the most planned pregnancies it can be a shock and throws your life upside down. try not to worry about it all. your fiance has probably excepted that if you were to get married that kids were not part of the bargin. and that has prob taken time to get used to. so this bomb shell must be hard. i expect she is blameing you. its not rational but she didn't expect to be pregnant and your little swimmers did the impossible and that is a shock for you both.

just give her time. i know thats hard (trust me when i say that ) but i truely beleive everything happens for a reason. and this baby is a gift for you both. she will eventually b=get her head around it. and im sure it will work out. if she cannot cope with you and the pregnancy then just be grateful for this precious thing you have been given. 

i gather she hasn't had her scan yet? maybe when she does it will all become more real and easier to deal with. once 12 weeks comes as a pregnant lady you do relax a little more.

i have everything crossed. if you ever need to chat then pop back on. it may be good to get a females point of view on all this. good luck with everything.

oh and one last thing CONGRATULATIONS!!!!! i am thrilled for you. it must be hard having gone through the terrors of chemo and then being told your infertile. but now you can be the proudest dad in the world. well done you hon xxx

It sounds like it has all come as a bit of a shock to her, being so unexpected. I found that even after the first scan until I had a proper bump and could feel the baby moving it didn't feel real and I was scared of something bad happening. Maybe she feels the same and feels like making plans based on the birth is going to jinx things - even if you start as the most logical sensible person pregnant super hormonal women are odd creatures!

Also I know that at times I felt like the only thing anyone talked to me about was the baby and the pregnancy, I felt a bit like an incubator and like I had disappeared. The thought of 9 months of nothing but that sort of talk wasn't much fun. Perhaps there's a touch of that too.

I know from my husband how dads to be can feel, even when you involve them as much as you can so you must feel so left out, but give her time and space and let her know you are there for her and are ready to talk whenever she is. As the others have suggested putting it in writing is probably a good idea.

I wish you both lots of luck, and hope for a future update.