sex after baby

hi, i had a baby bout 7 months ago and just dont want sex. my partner ankers for this and he says he will wait. any tips or advice you can give me would be welcomed. thank you.

can anyone help me, no one has replied and i fear that this could cause us to break up

Hi Kerri

Is it that you just feel too tired or are you nervous that it might hurt?

I know these are personal questions but it really depends on why you don't want too. It's quite normal to feel too tired, but it also important from your point of view that you make time for each other. Is there anyone that can look after your baby?, even for a couple of hours so you can spend time together

If you are nervous it may hurt then you need to spend time experimenting together to see what is right for you and that way you should know how your body feels.

Hope this helps. Ax

Hi Kerri :o)

I would agree with Amanda, even just an hour to dedicate time with one another will make a world of difference if you can arrange it.
I totally lost my interest in sex from being 3 months pregnant to when Jake was 5 months old. But on the nights we could spend time alone just talking and holding one another kept us together I think.

You don't have to even have penetrative sex, I know this is a personal subject and things, but we've all 'done the deed' (we all have babies!) and perhaps doing something simple like talking about it.. Think of it as starting over again, your body has changed- and you can look at this time as an oppurtunity to explore it together.
Maybe plan a romantic evening? Dinner or whatever you like- a movie you enjoy.. I found that if I made it special I was in the mood for intercourse more.

I was hugely self conscious (still am) about my body, I gained 3 dress sizes and after I gave birth I think I just imagined it would all go away again. I didn't feel sexy any more, but I decided to treat myself to an outfit- a little self pampering goes a long way!

I hope this helps Kerri :o)

Hi Kerri,

First thing to say is that you are not alone! Hubby and I went through a dreadful time with sex after Michael was born, I just really had no interest at all and he was very confused by it.

I think it's really important how you handle it and how you tell him that you don't feel up to sex. A rough rebuttal can be very damaging on the ego and on the relationship, even though at times it may feel maddening that he can't just TELL that you aren't interested.

I agree with the others about personal time together, that's not about sex. Going without sex after birth usually comes at the same time as the woman is completely pre-occupied with the needs of her child, forgetting that she really has two children (hope hubby doesn't read this). If you make an effort to spend time alone with your husband and pay him some attention, be interested in him as well as the baby, then that can really help you both weather the lack of sex.

You can also make an effort to touch him in a close, but not overtly sexual way. You may not really feel like it, but it's not sex, and you don't have to think of it as leading to sex.

Also, try and make time for yourself as MG says. Get help with the baby and have a relaxing bath. Remember that you're not just a mum, you are sexy!

If you can give the baby to your parents for the weekend and you think s/he's old enough then try leaving the baby with your parents for a day or two and escape for an evening with your husband. Communicate beforehand and make it clear that the time together isn't about sex, so he's not given false hopes. Who knows, with the pressure off you might surprise yourself!

Hi Kerri how are you getting on? Did you manage a nice romantic evening with the hubby?

Hi Kerri,

After our first little one was born I didn't want sex for over 9 months!

I realised after a while that a lot of it was that I just didn't feel sexy. I felt fat, unattractive and tired. I associated myself completely with being a mother and not at all as a sexual being. I know that sounds odd when you've just created a baby through sex, but I was tired, carrying around the baby fat and felt like a frump.

A friend took me in hand and made me an appointment at the hairdressers, arranged it so my other half was there to look after the baby, and then took me out for baby-free coffee and catch up for the afternoon. She told me off for not making more time for myself, in a nice way.

I felt really refreshed by it, and what's more had been given 'permission' to think about myself a little more. After that I made a conscious effort to give a little time to myself for exercise, baths, even occasional trips to get my hair done, and gradually my sexual interest came back as I started to feel more 'normal' again.

That was just my experience, but I hope it helps.

hiya all, thanks for your advice. i think the problem is its more of a scare that anything else. I just have it in my head that it will hurt and that is what stops me. Still havent had it yet. Im on a tight budget most of the time and cant afford to keep having my hair done and stuff like that. do u think taking a few paracetemols before hand could take the pain i know i will get???

Just want to say thanks to those mums who replied to Kerri. That has helped me a little to as my husbnd and I haven't had sex since I was about 2 months pregnant, and Ellis is now 3 months old! My husband, bless, is so patient and understadning, but at times, he's just not understadning enough. It's just difficult to think of my body as anything but something that had a baby come out of it, and is now feeding a baby! The thought of him going anywhere near my breasts, well frankly its just weird at the moment as I'm still breast feeding! We do have the odd moment when we start to cuddle and things get a little steamy, but when I start to get uncomfortable, i just cuddle him in a way that he knows 'not tonight'!
Hopefully, we'll be able to get passed this hurdle soon, as Ellis has just moved into his own room now!

I started typing then realised how old this thread was! My daughter is now 8 months old and I still haven't managed to get in the mood. I started to get seriously worried that maybe I didn't fancy my husband anymore and even though he has been VERY understanding I know he is worried too. We are going away on holiday this week so I'm hoping being in a different place etc may reignite the passion....fingers crossed!