Coping with miscarriage
A deep sense of grief can follow the loss of a pregnancy, even when it occurs at an early stage
Posted: 8 March 2006
by ThinkBaby
A miscarriage can often be a deeply traumatic and emotional experience, regardless of when in the pregnancy it is suffered, especially if you have been trying to conceive for a long time, or have suffered a miscarriage previously. From the first moment they find out they are pregnant, many women are deeply pre-occupied with impending motherhood and all the changes it involves, and even if your response to the pregnancy is more reserved or ambiguous, the sense of loss following a miscarriage can still be tremendous. Common reactions to the loss of a pregnancy are really no different to other forms of grief, you may feel deep shock, numbness, guilt, a sense of helplessness, you may find it difficult to concentrate on anything else and be unable to sleep.
Acknowledging the loss
With a miscarriage at the end of the first trimester of pregnancy it may help you to see the fetus, although this is a very personal decision. Later in pregnancy when your baby is bigger you might want to see and even hold your baby, and find that giving him or her a name helps you say goodbye. You may also feel it is appropriate to hold a funeral or farewell ceremony of some kind, which may be offered by your hospital. You can also organise a funeral yourself for your baby through your church, or alone. Do what you feel is right for you and whatever you think will help you acknowledge and start to cope with the loss.
Getting support
The amount of medical support you receive may depend on what stage of pregnancy the miscarriage took place, as well as whether it's your first miscarriage. Earlier in pregnancy, particularly before your first scan at around twelve weeks, while being sympathetic, health professionals may seem to treat the miscarriage as a matter of routine which can be both surprising and upsetting. If you needed to have labour induced or miscarried in your fourth month of pregnancy then medical staff are likely to offer more sympathy and support direct you towards help to cope with your grief. Some hospitals offer a cremation or funeral service for all miscarriages, others may only offer this for miscarriages after week fourteen or sixteen.
While it's unfortunate, a matter-of-fact approach to miscarriage among health professionals is common because miscarriage itself is so common, particularly in the first eight weeks of pregnancy. It's also the case that the vast majority of those women who do experience a miscarriage will go on to have a subsequent healthy pregnancy.
If you haven't yet told family and friends about the pregnancy then you may prefer not to look to them for support, and you may feel very isolated. Even if you have told friends and family then they may not find it easy to be supportive as miscarriage is seldom talked about, and it can be difficult for people who haven't experienced pregnancy to appreciate how you feel. If you know friends have been through a miscarriage then it might help to talk to them, but even those who have experienced miscarriage themselves may be reluctant to talk about it. You might also find it easier to talk to people you don't know, whether a grievance counsellor or a support group. The Miscarriage Association offers support for pregnancy loss from people who have experienced the grief themselves, and online forums, such as the one on ThinkBaby, can offer a wide base of sympathetic ears, experiences and advice to help you get through.
Supporting each other
As a couple, a miscarriage may be the first traumatic experience you go through together. You may both be deeply affected but may deal with your emotions in different ways: If your partner is withdrawn and reluctant to talk about it, it doesn't necessarily follow that he or she doesn't care. Fathers' feelings about miscarriage can often be overlooked, particularly if they are busy trying to 'stay strong' for their partner. That said, with early miscarriage, before the first scans, heartbeats and kicks, the pregnancy itself may well be more real to a pregnant woman than her partner. As with most difficulties, keeping up communication is the key to supporting each other and getting through it together.
When can we try again?
When you can try again for a baby after a miscarriage depends on both your emotional and physical health. From a purely physical point of view it's a good idea to wait for at least one period, and some doctors recommend waiting for two or three cycles to make sure that your body is back to normal. Emotionally you may feel that you need several months before you can contemplate the thought of being pregnant again, but equally you may be keen to try again as soon as possible. How you feel about trying again might be affected by how far along with the pregnancy you were when you had the miscarriage.
If your doctor has diagnosed a structural or anatomical cause for the miscarriage that requires treatment then discuss this with him or her before trying again: In some cases, such as incompetent cervix, you may be able to try again straight away but will require treatment once pregnant. In other cases you may need treatment before trying. If you have had two or more miscarriages your doctor will probably want to start investigations into a possible structural cause for miscarriage, but may not refer you for specialist treatment unless you have had at least three miscarriages.
The next pregnancy
When you do fall pregnant again after a miscarriage, then it's natural to be more nervous and emotional about the pregnancy than usual, and it's common to see getting past the point of the pregnancy where you suffered a previous miscarriage as an enormous hurdle. While it's unrealistic to expect you to see this as a critical date to get past, do try to shift your focus to the more positive aspects of your current pregnancy, such as ensuring that you have a suitably healthy diet and are getting enough exercise, and remember that the chances are that this time everything will be fine. The less stress and emotional tension you experience in this pregnancy, the better it will be for this baby's development.
Discuss this story
hi there brandi, i too had a miscarriage last year and it was hard. had an evacuation done, felt like a very surreal situation to be in. we started to try soon after and i was preg again two months later. last month i gave birth to our daughter emma and she is a joy. i felt very alone at times when i had the miscarriage but on thinkbaby there are lots of people who have been through the same thing. it helps a lot hope you benefit from coming on this site. suzxxxxxx
Posted: 11/09/2007 23:28
Hi I had two miscarriages. One in December and one in March. They were fairly straightforward and both at 8 weeks and the doctors couldn't tell me why as I'm in good health and have regular periods. I'm now 20 weeks pregnant with a baby boy. All through this pregnancy I've been scared of miscarrying again, so I completely sympathise with those of you who are in the same situation. It hurts when doctors tell you miscarriage is common, but the truth is it really is common and many women who have 1 or more miscarriages go on to have healthy babies without ever knowing why they had to lose one. Until I lost mine I didn't know another woman who had miscarried, but since then so many people that I know have told me of their own losses that I never even knew about.
Posted: 01/10/2007 22:58
Hi, I have been reading this site for months and only just plucked up courage to join! Had 1st m/c Jan 07 at 8 wks, after experiencing spotting for 12 days. GP sent me for scan at EPAU and tho I knew exactly how pregnant i was they tried to persuade me that all was ok and to come back in a wk to see if the baby had grown. V frustrating as I knew the measurements were 3 wks behind what they should be, and that there should be a heart beat. The baby had obviously died at about 5 1/2 wks. I m/c 3 days later, returned for a scan the following wk, fortunately a d and c wasn't necessary. Had absolutely no advice on what to do if miscarriage should happen, and afterwards none on when to try again, what poss causes could be etc. Am now experiencing 2nd m/c at 6 wks (after 9 mnth of TTC): last experience has prepared me but it is certainly not any easier. Everything is happening quicker this time - 4 days of spotting whereas it was 12 before. Scan tomorrow, but there isn't much point in going I don't think as I know that I will not be pregnant by then, and will not have finished m/c either. The most helpful thing for me has been to read about other peoples experiences to give me hope for the future, and to realise that I am not alone in all this! Every tiny detail of other peoples experiences can help if you can relate to it - sometimes I hang on to every word! Thanks to everyone for their honesty and openness!
Posted: 03/10/2007 09:45
Hi, I miscarried in July at 9 weeks pregnant. A real shock as I already have a three year old daughter and didn't expect anything to go wrong. I found the lack of information about what actually happens once you have miscarried a real problem (e.g. recovery period, when does the bleeding stop etc). I opted for medicene rather than an op to remove the baby as I am Insulin Dependent diabetic and didn't want the risks of a general anesthetic. Emotionally my husband and I are doing well although nervous about how we will feel if I get pregnant again. We are trying , no luck yet but early days. Seems like everywhere I go there are pregnant women and can't help feel very envious. Three friends have also recently given birth and holding their babies has been hard - wishing that it was mine. Our three year old asked for weeks afterwards if there was a baby in mummy's tummy, which was difficult to answer. Good luck to all those trying or recently pregnant. xxx
Posted: 06/10/2007 22:11
Hi, I hope everything goes well for you this time Jacqueline. After about 2 weeks of bleeding ranging from brown discharge to heavy bleeding, we finally lost our baby 2 days ago. I was only 7 weeks along, and had gone for a scan a week before only to be told that, although they couldn't see a heartbeat, they could see 2 sacs. So i was going from the joy of pregnancy, to the despair of thinking I was losing it, to the amazement of the possibility of twins, to the ultimate horror and despair of knowing that the baby's gone. Rollercoaster just doesn't cover it. I feel terrible, and just terrified at the thought of getting pregnant again - what if it happens all over again? I know it's very early days, but I just feel so lost. Good luck to all those who are pregnant, and my heart really goes out to those who are going through similar situations. It's rubbish!
Posted: 21/10/2007 08:52
Hi.I miscarried my first baby on November 4th. Right from the start of my pregnancy I didn't feel right. I tried to get an early appointment with the midwife who didn't bother to return my calls.I started bleeding on the November 3rd, did all the right things - phoned NHS direct,lay down, went to casualty dept where I was treated for a water infection and sent home. The following day the bleeding was worse and the pain had started. I was again advised to go to my local caualty dept where I saw the same doctor. He lied to the gyne ward and said he had suspected miscarriage previously. Was sent gyne ward and the baby was taken away. My partner didn't want to stay in the room so a stranger held my hand while they took the baby. I saw the baby but it didn't look like a baby - it was so small and the doc said it looked to be only about eight weeks so I had been carrying around a dead baby without realising - planning names and nursery schemes. What makes matters worse is my best friend has just had a baby and my sister and sister-in-law are both pregnant. I only received a call from the midwife when I took up my medical notes and she realised what had happened. She too lied and claimed to have been trying to get in touch. I am slowly getting through it, though i don't think i'll ever be me again. Good luck to anyone else who is trying Dawn.
Posted: 27/12/2007 01:04
Hi Dawn, I hope this is the first time (and not second time) that you get this post, I wrote last night, but something went wrong. I know just what you're going through and it's the most horrible thing in the world. It sounds as though I've had a couple of weeks more to come to terms with things than you, but for me it's a question of 2 steps forward, one step back. It breaks my heart every time I allow myself to think about it, and hearing of other people apparently falling pregnant at the drop of the hat is like some one twisting the knife just that little bit harder. I know what you mean when you say that you didn't feel right, I felt exactly the same. I've spoken to quite a few people about what happened ( i tried to not tell anyone unless they already knew that I was pregnant at first, but I find it helps a bit to talk to people) and they either had the same experience, or know other people who had the same experience ie. not feeling very "pregnant" or knowing, deep down that something was wrong, and then went on to miscarry. The thing is though, that all these people have then gone on to have perfectly healthy babies, and felt completely different with their successful pregnancies. I think our bodies are amazing things, and they tell us when something's not right. I'm just going to be keeping my fingers crossed for the both of us Dawn and for all others reading this. Sending you lots of luck Robyn
Posted: 29/12/2007 13:54
Dear All I've only just found this website and wish I had a couple of months ago. My husband and I started trying for children years ago. I've had a couple of operations to remove endometriosis. After the ops and various stimulating tablets we decided to take a break and get our marriage back on track and contemplated a move back to London. Fortunately, before we did, I went for a AMH test to establish my ovarian reserve. I was shocked and devastated to learn I had very little eggs left and was told I would have a premature menopause. Also, that IVF was not a viable option and my best bet would be IUI. After two failed cycles I went to another consultant for advise and we embarked upon IVF late last year. We managed to produce two eggs and one embryo, but were delighted when it successful. Our delight turned to grief when I started bleeding at 5 1/2 weeks. The Clinic told me I was miscarrying, only one week later the foetus was still alive! But the following week it had died and I had an evacuation procedure. A few weeks later I did a test after getting some symptoms and learned I was pregnant - naturally! But have since learned through blood tests that it is not going to be an 'on going' pregnancy. I'm now worried I have something wrong with me..antibodies, genetic abnormalities etc. I gave up a successful & senior job in Nov to give this my all and just feel so alone. I'm seeing my consultant today and have also booked to see a specialist tomorrow to start tests. Has anybody else experienced this? I find it so frustrating that there is so much uncertainty as to whether you will or will not miscarry and why and I've never felt so helpless and emotional in all my life. My poor consultant has two pages of questions to answer from me... I hope he's prepared!
Posted: 25/02/2008 14:20
hi leesa and kim i am so sorry to hear your sad news. There is another thread called ttc after a miscarriage, they have helped me and i am sure you will find some very good advice and support. take care es
Posted: 25/02/2008 15:32
leesa, you have so many questions that need answering, your head must be ready to explode what on earth do they mean by " not an ongoing" pregnancy? that's tough news but also very nebulous! i've been doing a bit of reading around this subject, and there's evidence that actually feeling that you're able to become a mother has very positive affects on your ability to conceive, which woudl explain why when you were led to believe that you had to have ivf but then after conceived naturally. apparently it happens all the time - even when people have been trying to conceive for years, decide to adopt, and then soon after their adopted baby comes, they find out that they're pregnant. apparently it's all to do with "seeing yourself as a mother". this time around i'm trying very hard to be positive, and training myself to think that everything is going according to plan this time. can't hurt - right? my heart goes out to you both, and i'm keeping my fingers crossed for you (and me for that matter!) robyn
Posted: 25/02/2008 15:56
Dear Robyn & Esther Thank you for your kind words. Apparently I have had what is known as a chemical pregnancy. Instead of the cells splitting and equally forming the placenta and the embryo, mine decided to focus on the placenta. I've never heard of this before. My scan reveiled a sac full of blood and product. We've also learned that the chromosone from the first preganancy is normal, (most miscarriages happen because of abnormal chromosomes), so once the product has passed we will embark on tests. I agree positive thinking - but it's not easy we eagerly want each month to pass and hope this month we will be pregnant and as much as we try not to think about it - we do every day. Leesa
Posted: 26/02/2008 09:10
oh i know leesa, it's all that you can think of all day everyday and then some bright spark tells you to "relax and it'll happen" i want to throttle people like that. i had heard of a "chemical pregnancy" before, but had no idea what it meant. i'm keeping everything crossed for you. the good news is that the chromosomes from the other pregnancy were fine. that's what i'm so worried about. thinking of you robyn
Posted: 26/02/2008 10:38
oh, samantha, it's horrible and i really feel for you. i think you just have to take every day as it comes. some days you'll be ok and others, well, you just won't cope at all. i felt exactly the same. i had a week to recover from my mc as it was half term (i'm a teacher), and thought i'd be able to cope when i went back, but i remember just sitting in my classroom and just bawling my eyes out. fortunately my job allows me no time at all to think about anything personal, so i could go along almost as normal for most of of the day, only to collapse in a heap as soon as the kids had gone home. like i say, just see how it goes. some days you'll cope, and some you won't. i know how hard it is when you've been trying so hard for such a long time, and then to lose it, heartbreaking doesn't cover it. you will get through it though. it's really common, especially in first pregnancies, i'm sure next time it will be different and your body will know what to do. and at least now you know that you can get pregnant. that really helped me. take care samantha
Posted: 04/03/2008 16:00
Hi Girls, I lost my baby in November at 10 weeks,i started bleeding and the midwife told me to have a bath and relax,she said that it could have been following sex,which is common apparently with penetration. I then bled really heavily so phoned her again,she advised me to go to the hospital where i was not seen for 3 hours!! (i was covered bleeding very heavily by this point and frightened as this was my first pregnancy). Eventually i was seen and they didn't tell me anything at all. I was in excrutating pain. After bleeding and labour like pains i was told 12 hours later that i had miscarried. The pain i went through was un-bearable to be honest and this is coming from someone with the highest pain threshold ever! Anyway,4 months on i feel awful,i can't talk to anyone about it,it's hard for me being with my partner who,although has been amazing,has 2 children already who are little and it is killing me as i have to spend time with them and deal with this at the same time. I would love to have some support from someone who has been through the same emotions. I feel at the moment that everything is very hard work. Debbie
Posted: 15/03/2008 17:03
i hope this post work this time! this is the worst website for posting on! debbie, i'm so sorry to hear about your loss. it's the worst thing in the world and nothing that i can say is going to make it any better, but i can try. it sounds as though you've really been through the mill and not had very good care in the process. i think that people are often rathe blase about the fact that women lose babies early on so frequently, and it's really not helpful or supportive. we lost a baby back in october at just 7 weeks. i was told all the usual things, it happens all the time, there was obviously something wrong with it, you'll have another baby etc, etc, etc. but when you're going through it, it really doesn't help at all. do try to talk to your partner. he's lost something too, and while he has children, i'll bet you'll find that he's pretty heartbroken too. also try to talk to friends. this has happened to so many people, you'll be surprise, i found it really helps. and also, scream and shout and cry, when you feel like it. bottling things up never helps. just try to remember, you got pregnant once, you will do again. that has really helped me. 6 months down the line and i'm pregnant again. it's early on, and i'm scared as hell, but you have to try and believe in something. take care robyn
Posted: 17/03/2008 19:09
also, try this website www.talkingpoint.allaboutyou.com. it's a lot easier to post and navigate and that's probably why people on there are a lot more chatty and supportive - it wasn't until about 4 months after my mc that i started getting replies on this site. if you need a shoulder to cry on though, post on here and i'll try to reply - if the damn thing'll let me post!
Posted: 17/03/2008 19:12
hi robyn, how far gone r u now? i had a m/c on 9th feb at 7 weeks too, now im pregnant again so i must have gotten pg straight away, i never seem to see anyone chat about pregnancy after m/c. its 10 times harder than last time, i keep having nightmares that im bleeding or ive miscarried, i just feel like it is gonna go wrong again... am i mad or does anyine else feel similar???
Posted: 17/03/2008 20:23
Hi Ladies, First of all, I'd like to say my heart goes out to you all at this very difficult & traumatic time - I know how you feel as I've been there twice in 12 months. The other thing I wanted to say was please, whatever you do, don't give up hope of having that longed for baby. I had an ectopic in Nov 06 & miscarried at 10 weeks (there was a heartbeat at early scan) in July 07. I'm now 23wks pg, & all is going well, so it really will happen - just relax. I was told initially that this pg wasn't going to be viable as the blood levels were not rising as they should, but they were wrong, & we have a happy (if the amount of intra-uterine acrobatics going on is anything to go by!!), apparently healthy, baby due soon. Keep smiling & trying when you feel ready Love Amanda & Foety xx
Posted: 17/03/2008 22:29
Hi ladies I recently miscarried at 7 weeks. Ive been looking for answers as to why, although I know there arent any. I already have a lovely 6 yr boy whom I carried without any problems. So this miscarriage was a complete shock, especially as a scan a week earlier showed everything was fine. Ive found this site and others inspiring, reading others womens stories and that most of those women have gone on to have a healthy pregnancy and healthy babies. We intend to try again soon. My heart goes out to all who have had a miscarriage. And good luck to all those who have conceived and those ttc.
Posted: 13/06/2008 09:35
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