Sex after having a baby

How soon after birth is it safe to have sex?
Most doctors recommend that you wait at least six weeks after the birth of your baby to have full intercourse. The reason for this is that it takes around six weeks for your body to recover from the birth and, whether you've had a vaginal delivery or a c-section, you'll have internal wounds that need time to heal and shouldn't be exposed to possible infection. Your doctor will schedule what's known as the six-week check-up for you and will then give you the all-clear if you've healed up well.

When you talk to your doctor s/he'll also want to discuss contraception with you, which is something you need to think about even before your periods start again as you could still be fertile.

What's normal?
For many new mums sex goes completely out of the window for a while longer than your six-week recovery period. Not only are you focusing what little energy you have on your new baby, but frankly, down below usually needs a bit of a holiday after the birthing experience. If you're breastfeeding it's also likely to lower your libido, both hormonally and because your breasts may now be off-limits. Some women even liken the first sex after birth to losing their virginity, so much do they feel their bodies have changed.

So, it's not unusual for couples to take a few months before resuming sex and it may be no more than an irregular activity for a while longer than that. That said, some couples will be keen to get their sex life back sooner than others, and a few will barely want a pause. If that applies to you then count yourself lucky, but remember to check with your doctor that your body is ready and think about contraception (yes really) first.

It's also perfectly normal for your partner to be more eager than you when it comes to resuming sex: Not only has he not endured all the physical tribulations of pregnancy, birth and new motherhood that may be leaving you feeling distinctly tired and unnattractive, but, believe it or not, as the mother of his baby you're probably sexier than ever to him right now. If, on the other hand, you're disinterested in sex and very focused on your baby then it's easy for your partner to feel shut out and frustrated. Finding time for other ways of being intimate with each other besides sex should be reassuring for both of you.

What's comfortable?
Apart from simply not having energy and not being 'in the mood', full intercourse may be uncomfortable for women at first, particularly if you suffered vaginal tearing during the birth. Even when you're more or less healed, the scar tissue can still be sensitive and if you're breastfeeding then you also won't be producing as much vaginal lubrication as usual. If desire isn't a problem but dryness is, then lubricating jelly should help.

If you're apprehensive about the idea of having sex then try taking things really slowly, being physically intimate in other ways and building up to intercourse gradually. It's perfectly normal for you to find that the flames need more fanning than usual so some good old-fashioned seduction on behalf of your partner may help.

Feeling groovy
Besides the physical obstacles of a recovering body and exhausted parents, one of the main obstacles you're likely to face is simply not feeling in the mood for sex. Carrying baby weight, having no time to do your hair, wearing baby-vomit and facing a mountain of household chores all take their toll on your interest in sex. Making some time for yourself is important, whatever you do with it. You might try asking friends or family to watch the baby while you go for a hair cut or massage, treat yourself to a long soak in the bath rather than tackling the ironing of an evening, or buying some clothes that flatter your new curves. Getting regular exercise will help boost your flagging energy levels and can help you feel sexier too - you don't have to drag yourself to a gym either, long walks or runs with baby will do nicely and also get you both fresh air. You may even find that going back to work to some degree helps you claw back some sense of self.

Keep talking
As with all relationship issues, the key to navigating back happily to a full sex life is to keep up the communication between you and your partner. Talking about how you both feel is in itself a form of intimacy and can help deepen your understanding and appreciation of each other.

Any time that you can devote expressly to each other will help, but you may find it all the more helpful if you can occasionally find a babysitter so that you can have an evening out of the house, completely away from your new little bundle of responsibilty and distractions of the baby monitor. Even just a dinner out can be rejuvenating - it really is amazing what a couple of candles and a dash of wine can do (if you're breastfeeding then you might want to plan a night off and express some milk in advance).

It may take a some time for your growing family to find a new equilibrium, but a new baby needn't necessarily come between you and your partner physically: Becoming parents can also deepen the bond between you and ultimately enhance your physical relationship.