When you start your new life as parents there are few certainties, but one of them is that the relationship you have enjoyed with your partner will change. On the one hand being a new parent can bring you much closer together and deepen your commitment to each other, and on the other, the stresses and strains of family life can take their toll. For at least the first couple of weeks your baby will probably take over as the main focus of your love, attention and energy but you'll then need to work towards finding a new balance for your relationship where you both feel supported, appreciated and loved. The key to making the transition from two to three as smoothly as possible for your partnership is good communication, and this goes far deeper than what we actually say to one another. Here are a few pointers that may help along the way.

  • Planning - The early months may set the tone for the coming few years so it helps to think about how you'd like your partnership to work and what common goals you'd like to work towards for the family - hopefully you've begun to do this even before baby was born. Once you've established what your aims are, then it will be easier to reach agreement and make compromises on the details of how you achieve them.

  • Delegating - If you're one of those people who think that if you want a job doing well you need to do it yourself, then you might want to try and work on your delegating skills. It's important for you to be able to delegate for a couple of reasons. The first is that there will be simply too much for you to manage on your own and you will need help, whether from your partner or from family and friends. If you can't delegate well, your partner may not realise when you need help and even if he's aware that you need support he may not know how to best give it.

    The second reason to delegate is that if you try to do everything yourself from the outset then your partner won't have a chance to work out how to do things for himself. In this case you'll end up being the one who always knows better when it comes to your baby and he may not feel very confident with baby's day-to-day care: He's likely to feel shut-out and patronised and you are likely to be frustrated with the questions he's asking and feel even less able to leave him to go it alone with baby.

  • Making time for each other - 'How on earth am I supposed to do that when I already don't have enough time for everything else?' you may well be thinking, and the truth is that many new parents are so busy being mummy and daddy that they find it difficult to find time to nurture their partnerships. But changing your behaviour just a little on a daily basis can help you make time for each other. At the end of the day when all the children are in bed you're probably both pretty tired, and you might feel like doing nothing more than settling down in front of the telly. But taking some of this time to sit and talk to your partner, over a drink or dinner, can do wonders for your relationship.

    As you settle down into a more predictable feeding routine, then it's a great idea to set aside regular slots of time that you commit to spending with each other. If you can get a regular baby sitter so that you can get out of the house together to go to dinner, the cinema or another 'date', then all the better. If not then set aside evenings where you have a lovely dinner at home together.

  • Changing the subject - It's natural for partners to spend a lot of time talking about their children, and there's nothing wrong with this as it's likely the issue that binds you most closely. In the early weeks much the time you do spend talking to each other will probably be spent oohing and aaahing over your gorgeous baby as well as discussing drinking habits, sleeping hours, parenting theories and nappy contents. After these first couple of weeks though, try to talk to each other about some of the things that you used to talk about before baby came along. If your partner has gone back to work before you, then try to avoid just talking about the baby when he gets home and make sure you also ask about his day and what's happening at work - or what's happening in the papers.

  • Showing appreciation - In the early weeks as a parent you may feel that your sense of who you are as an individual has been subsumed by your new role as a mum. Try to remember that your partner may be experiencing quite similar feelings at the moment and that how you treat each other can make an enormous difference to your sense of self. When talking to your partner, amidst all the cooing over the baby, try and remember to say how wonderful and beautiful he is, and how much you appreciate having him as a partner and father to your child. Giving a compliment takes next to no effort and time, but can have a great impact on the other person's mood and confidence.

  • Showing affection - Physical affection has a very strong restorative effect and is an important way of showing your partner that you don't just see them as a parent, but in the early days of parenthood it often falls by the wayside. A common problem for new parents is that mum, particularly if she's breastfeeding (in which case the hormones chasing around her body will decrease desire), may not feel like any further physical contact after all the cuddles and feeds with baby. Added to that you're probably feeling deeply unattractive, completely exhausted, and, what's more, you may be worried that a brief cuddle may lead on to something that they don't feel ready for yet. Of course physical affection doesn't necessarily mean sex, even just a simple cuddle can bring you closer together and a gentle touch is a sign of trust, warmth and interest.

    Have a think about how you react when your partner reaches out for you. Try to take just the few moments it takes to reciprocate the affection when it is offered and make an effort to initiate a display of affection a couple of times a day, even if this is as simple as taking his hand and giving it a quick squeeze. If you are worried about affection becoming overly sexual then it's time to have an open discussion with your partner, telling him what you are and aren't comfortable with at the moment and thinking about other ways to stay physically intimate.

  • Solving conflict - As life with your baby begins to settle down a little, your baby begins to consume slightly fewer than all of your conscious waking moments, one of you goes back to work, and you both begin to remember that you're people as well as parents, tensions may creep in over who is providing more care, changing more nappies, getting less sleep or generally working harder. When you're already tired and feeling overstretched it's easy for these tensions to build quickly, and snapping, sulking and grouching at one another can all too easily replace articulating how you feel. This is very understandable, but not great for your relationship or your baby, who will certainly pick up on any tensions between you. Bear in mind that right from the beginning you'll be setting an example to your baby on how to deal with conflict and anger.

    If you are concerned that you're not fairly dividing the family work up between you then try and find a baby-free time to sit down and have an honest discussion about how you feel things are going, and about how you balance such issues as childcare, housework and wage-earning. When you talk about such emotive subjects it can be helpful to focus on talking about how you feel, rather than making accusations, saying what your partner is or isn't doing. This allows you to be honest without setting out aggressive-defensive positions. It's also important to remember to actively listen to your partner, and understand his or her point of view before firing back a response.

  • Curbing the grumbling - And, as a final tip, if you've got grumps and groans then maybe spare your partner a few of them and express yourself on the forum with other TB mums instead - you'll feel better and your partner will be spared an earful!